Oct. 13, 2011
It was a very rough week. I am taking this week off because I had to recover from last week. It's a lot to digest and some of it is very nasty.
I am nervous to post some of this very bad behavior on a blog. I debated all week about how to "talk" about this on here. It is important that I share some of this emotional stuff - but I don't think that posting it while everything is happening is the best. I decided that I will write drafts of these events and post them after the congregation closes.
So, last week I had a meeting that caused my blood pressure to rise so much that I was shaking really bad and I had flashing spots in my eyes for 30 minutes after. The anxiety due to the organist leaving and and general conversation, or maybe lack of conversation happening about the future of the congregation became too much. There has to be someone to blame and the easiest person is the pastor that was called to help turn the congregation around but is instead talking to them about closing. The level of attacks and mean remarks went to a new level. For months I was use to comments about my call, my sermons, my lack of programs, not doing enough, not being nice enough, not liking something in the service... But, this time the attacks got personal down to my clothing and asking me if I own an iron. I felt like it came out of left field. I was use to the other comments and I got very good at giving rote responses and telling myself that the person is not really angry at X but is angry about the larger situation and is taking it out on me. My prayer every morning for months and months was (and still is), "Lord, please give me the strength to be able to take whatever it is that will come at me today. Give me the wisdom to know that it is not about me." But, this time - it was about me. And, to top it all off, it happened in front of my 4 year old daughter. I made my daughter so nervous she left the room to play in the nursery and after I left the encounter I had to bring my blood pressure down and didn't get her right away which caused her to get scared and crying and screaming. This is by far the worst day of my pastorate here - and I've had some awful days.
This was last Wednesday. It took me two days to physically calm down from the encounter. I had migraines for 3 days following that. Because of this I decided to not go in the office on Friday or Saturday then take the next week off. I know that I can't just respond and if I don't take time to center myself I'm not going to be useful.
I also had a great conversation with the Bishop the day after as well as a wonderful conversation with a pastor that has closed two congregations that same day. Both of them asked the same question in almost the exact same way, "have people in the congregation stated to attack you personally yet?" I was floored when I heard this question because it just happened. I was told that this is just part of the process, and that it gets worst. I can't imagine how, but I'm sure they are right. Hearing this alone has probably given me the strength to continue on in this process. I am more prepared for what to expect next. The people I am serving are hurting. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it can give reason for it.
The Bishop is coming to the next council meeting on Monday night to empower the council to stand up to bad behavior and to also stand up for me when they hard just flat out lies. He also empowered me to take care of myself. He told me to just walk out of a room if I begin to feel abused - even if its a Sunday morning during worship. He also told me to join a gym and go on "church time" because they are causing the stress that I need to take care of. Also, my husband and I are starting marriage therapy next week as a precaution. We don't feel the stress yet, but we want to work on tools to keep communication open and how to indicate stressors for when things do get worst. And, finally, my husband and kids are not coming to my congregation for worship anymore. They are going to Sunday School and worship at another congregation in the area. I don't want my kids to see the bad side of church people - they are too young for it, and when I was told that it gets worst I would imagine that means that my husband is going to be brought into the mess soon - so I rather him just not be there to lessen the chances of that.
Update - 1/3/12
In the months that passed I wanted to share that the main attacker in the above situation stopped coming to church.
The Sunday after the attack she was in church and my husband decided to tell her how much her words hurt me and that she was completely out of line. My husband NEVER does things like this. His stance usually with church politics is to stay as far out of it as possible. But, he saw how much it got to me and he said he just wanted her to know that it is not allowed. He did, and she turned the entire situation back on me and told him, "I hope you didn't come up to me just to attack me". After his conversation with her my husband told me that she is not worth my energy and that I should stay away from her. Which I did. And, she did as well.
She came back twice, the last day the organist played and the day of the vote. She did not take communion either time and both times I said hi to her and she ignored me. She wants to continue to make me feel like the attack was in some way my fault and she is shunning me (I don't know if this is truly the case, but it is how I read into the behavior). She still comes to events of the church, like the woman's group and bible study and she helps out with the food pantry. So, I still see her and if she has a audience she will speak to me, if she doesn't she ignores me. She was abusive and continues to be abusive.
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