Pastoral Care - Dealing with Grief

Over the past two weeks I really focused my prayers around grief work. I was asking for guidance on how to help my parishioners work through their grief in this closing process.

Grief is rearing its ugly head in many ways these past few weeks. People are acting rude, passive aggressive, talking behind backs, there is avoidance, snarky remarks... People are trying to hold on to control, possessions, memories, the way things were... All of this are ways of dealing with grief.

I've compared it to Mom dying and the kids fighting over the funeral, putting the house on the market, the estate, the things in the house. Even families that got along for the most part begin to fight.

So, as the pastor of the congregation I know I have to work with them on their grief. I know I have to work on my own grief.

After talking to a few pastors that went through this process (and, many are first call women pastors by the way... a reflection for another time) I am hearing over and over again that the pastors went and did individual visitations with each member to talk about how they were feeling and to hand out letters of transfer. Personally, the thought of doing this made my anxiety go through the roof. I was convincing myself that this is part of the process and something that I have to do. All the other pastors did it, it must be what people need. They need time with their pastor to know they are being listened to, they know their memories are being shared and they know that I care and I will work with them. Yes, I can do that. But, after much prayer and personal reflection I realized that I can't.

I just can't. So, I am not.

Sure, call me a bad pastor. Tell me that I am called to minister to these people and that this is a time that they really need pastor care. Tell me that I am chickening out and that I am being selfish. Some of that might be right, but most of it is not. I say that I am taking care of myself.

See, for over two years I have been pastor to the people in this congregation - when they did not want me to be their pastor. For two years I have been treated like crap, talked down to, yelled at, belittled, treated like a hired person and not a called pastor. For two years I have been told that I am doing an awful job, that my sermons are bad, that I don't work hard enough, that I killed the church. You may think I am exaggerating - but I can assure you I am not. Place your email in the comment section and I will give you a list of people you can call so they can tell you about my experience. I recently started to call it what my experience was, it was abuse. I worked hard and nothing was ever good enough. I was faithful and I get told I don't deserve vacation time or I have to fight to get my salary up to guidelines. I will share how I was treated during my pregnancy and my maternity leave later - but in short, I deceived them and it was just plain awful that I was pregnant because of course I did it to them. I get shut out of conversation but then reprimanded for not responding to something... I could go on. I learned a lot from this call, but much of it was things that I wouldn't really have cared to learn. So, when I say I am taking care of myself - it is really something I need to do.

When I think about sitting in the kitchen of some of my parishioners, even the mental image of this happening causes my heart to beat a little faster and my anxiety to rise. I feel defensive. I wonder if I am going to have to sit and listen to how sad a person is, and by the way, they wouldn't be going through this if I was never called in the first place. And, you know, maybe if I developed a better program more people would have come to worship. Oh, and I never did set up a good stewardship program. And, I would be expected to just sit and listen - because if I say anything I would hear about it later because after I left the house the unofficial phone tree starts up. This has happened too many times for me to count. One time I had to listen to a woman tell me how awful women pastors are, but you know, she's 87 years old and she just likes things old fashioned and in her eyes I'm not a real pastor. But, you know, she didn't mean to sound rude, she was just telling me how she feels when I'm presiding over communion. Another time I got called selfish because I used the calling tree for prayers for my family. My 2 month old daughter almost died of a SIDS incident. My husband found her blue and she was in the hospital. I used the calling tree to request prayers for her recovery and I spent 2 days in the hospital. She is fine and healthy now, but it was a scary two days and when I returned to the office instead of being asked how she was I got told that I am not to use the calling tree for that purpose again. And, there are more stories. These are just some of the highlights.

So, no, I won't do it. I can't do it.

I have nothing more to give.

Instead, after much thought, prayer, and conversations with my family, friends and colleges I decided that I will deal with the grief in a communal way. Lent is coming up and I am going to use the mid-week service time to do a bible study on grief. I still don't know exactly what it is going to look like, but I am brainstorming some ideas. I am also going to use the second to last service as a healing service. I also plan on talking to people if they seek me out or if I feel I can approach them and not get told how awful I am (there are SOME nice people in my congregation). But, there are a good dozen people that I will not allow to abuse me any further.

This has been a huge struggle for me. I feel like I am letting my people down, or that I am not living out my pastoral obligations. That I am finding it hard to offer forgiveness. It may take a while for me to fully heal from my experience and to be at a place of peace and complete forgiveness - but I fully trust I will get there. Forgiveness is is not a one time thing. I do believe I have forgiven many of these incidents a few times already. I had to in order to preach that Sunday, or to go visit someone in the hospital. I even realized that each time I give the body of Christ to a person I am reminded that he or she is a blessed child of God and in that moment of my handing bread over saying, "The Body of Christ Given for You" I am offering a piece of forgiveness.

Yet, even though I know that this healing process is going to take a while. I know that forgiveness is something I am going to be working on for a long time. I also know that God is not calling me to continually place myself in unhealthy situations.

Ash Wednesday beings the season of Lent. Psalm 51 is often at the center of the worship service. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
This is my prayer during this time. My prayer for me and my prayer for the people in my congregation as we all work through our grief.