I came back from the second congregation visit in a little bit of a funk today. It wasn't the church we visited, I think it's just my mood. I think today's visit really made me realize not only is the congregation closing but what that really means.My members have to worship somewhere else. I have to look for a new job. There is one less congregation doing ministry on the Northwest side of the city. I don't know - it's like my eyes were fully open to all the changes, the stress, the sadness of it.
Eleven people from my congregation visited the congregation this week. I was a little surprised by the turn out - not really the number, that was about I expected even after the 20 person turn out from the first visit. It was that ten of them came to the contemporary worship service. It was with a band, praise and worship songs, free flow prayer... Only one person came to the traditional service which is almost exactly what we do at our church every week. I think it might have been the times of the services (8:30 and 10:30) and people simply came to the later service. But, I do not picture my people contemporary worship service kind of people. In fact during my two years we got into arguments over worship (doesn't every pastor with the worship committee). There was one time that I included the hymn, "Lead Me, Guide Me," and I was told that people did not like to sing the "new hymns". It's not like I was expecting the Elvis version of the song...
I think I got into a funk due to many things that happened during this visit. First, the congregation we visited is a merged congregation. Nearly everyone that attends this congregation went through a church closing experience with the difference being that their congregation was merged into a new congregation and Our Congregation is simply dissolving. I listened to a lot of people share their experiences with closing a congregation today. It really exhausted me to do this. Second, I ended up listening to the sermon twice (I go to all the services) and the second time around something really struck me. The sermon was about change and how we should be more open to it. There were a few lines in the sermon that really spoke to my congregation well. But, then there were a few that really got to me in particular. I am still praying about my response but I will share with you my initial response. The pastor made a very common comment in a sermon connected to Jesus calling the disciples and them dropping their fish nets to follow him. The pastor said, "How many of you would quit your job and just leave and change your lives, give up your paycheck, and do what Jesus is calling you to do?" It is meant as an extreme example, right? Except for I felt it hit me smack in the eyes. Here I am giving up my paycheck and doing the faithful thing with my congregation. I could have easily ignored the conversation, stayed with the congregation until my contract expired (and my husband had a job and I had more time to be in the call process), allow a congregation that is clearly not mission focused continue to remain inward focused until all their funds dwindled away and not have assets left to give toward mission. But, no, I gave up my paycheck and I did the mission focused thing.
This question in the sermon, I guess, is suppose to lift up just how amazing it is that the disciples left everything to follow Jesus. Yet, what is the exact challenge to us? Is it to be like the disciples? Or is it that Jesus never really ask us to go as far as he asked his first disciples so the change he does ask of us we should be willing to go through? I don't know, but I got pretty annoyed with the question asked today. I have trust that things will be okay in 5 months. That I will get a severance package, my family will have health insurance, my husband will find a job that will start in August... I truly do trust this - yet it's hard to not be nervous. Maybe that's the part of this question that is hitting me hard? That yes, I did follow Jesus and give up my paycheck in order to live out mission. Yet, now I am dealing with the uncertainty of what that really means.
This series of questions reminds me of 2003. My husband and I were married a year and I was in a graduate program for History with a certification in curating. I was in a history of religion class and the professor was a little odd. The only reason I was in this degree program is because my husband was not ready for me to go to seminary. He grew up a pastors kid and he did not really want to be a pastors spouse, so I was in a back up career track. There was one point in a lecture where the professor said something similar to the question asked in the sermon. There were a lot of other things happening my my life at that time (almost buying a house, living in the suburbs, our fathers dying...) but this question really made me question my call. My husband and I decided to do mission work the next year and we started to apply to mission programs - we wanted a discernment time while doing mission. I needed a reference from a college professor for the application, so I figured I would ask my history of religion professor to give me a reference. When I gave him the form to fill out he looked at me like I was insane and asked why I was doing "this". I gave a simple reason and he said that he did not feel that he knew me well enough to write the reference. Then he went on to say, "You know, in Mark Jesus might have asked the disciples to drop everything and follow him. But, we are not expected to be this literal with that call." (Now, remember - he was a history of religion professor at a state university, not a seminary. I don't even know if he was Christian).
I found myself many times today talking to members of the congregation we visited and really lifting up how faithful the members of my congregation are. I said many times today, "They could have easily decided to go down to a part time pastor and just continue an inward ministry until the money ran out. Instead they were faithful and decided to close while they still have assets that can be used for mission and new church start ups." I really believe this. I am proud of them. But, I guess the sermon today made me really focus on myself and what this vote meant for me and it challenged me. I hope some of this makes sense. I am still working out my reaction. But, I was in a funk when I got home. I felt selfish and frustrated. I guess what I needed to hear today is "good job" from one of my parishioners. Instead of that I heard, "When a few of us were driving here today we were talking about how awful it is that you are not at Our Congregation leading worship on these Sundays. Not everyone is coming to the visits, so what happens to those people these weeks? They just don't go to worship? We think you should have a worship service later in the day for people that don't want to do the church visits. It's not fair to them." Really?! Just another annoying example of the neediness and high expectations of this congregation.
But, this added to my funk. No, "good job," no, "thanks for being with us and pushing us to find new congregations." All this makes me wonder, why did I abandon my fishnet (paycheck)?
All of a sudden, after reading this, I have an image of you as a dog-walker, walking about half a dozen badly-trained dogs of various sizes, all of them sniffing around and going in multiple directions. You're just trying to keep them from wandering into the street and getting run over, and their leashes are tangling and threatening to trip you, and every time one of them poops, you're the one to pick it up. And also one of the dogs has diarrhea and another one is barfing. That's what this job sounds like to me.
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