I am on vacation this week. This is a much needed vacation. I took a week vacation back in October after a really tough week. I didn't plan that week off at all - it was kind of a last minute decision because I knew that if I did not take some time off it was very likely that I would say or do something just out of reaction. I had to have time to center myself again.
This vacation I planned a while ago. I wanted to wait until after the vote then I also want to wait until after Christmas. I think I waited a little too long. I need a week to just be completely away.
My self care has not been the best during these months. Putting on 15lbs is probably the biggest outward sing of the lack of self care. I also had moments where I I took my stress out on the family by being short or checking out all together. I escaped into watching more TV than I normally do. I emotionally detached from members of the congregation because I felt I needed to protect myself. And, I went into hyper planning mode for the congregation.
So, this week - my week off - I am not checking email, I am turning off my work cell phone and I am focusing on myself and my family. My husband and I decided that we need to start worshiping together so we are going to do our own church shopping starting this week. We are looking for a Saturday Family service and we have one that we plan on trying tomorrow. We are taking the kids to stay in a hotel downtown so we can do touristy things and swim in a pool. I plan on getting into a workout routine to try to lose the 15lbs and use that time to center myself for when I return to work next week.
It was too easy to ignore all personal self care during this process. It was too easy to work 10 hour days. It was to easy to eat fast food because of the long hours. It was much easier to build an emotional wall than to actually feel the grief I was experiencing and the hurt I felt when blame was put on me.
Better late than never, right? Maybe it's the fact that it's the New Year and people always make resolutions this time of year. Maybe I am just at a place where I am ready to focus a little more on myself in this process. Maybe I just hit a wall and I know that I can not continue to keep going the way that I am. I don't know what caused the shift - all that I know is that it is time for some pastoral self care.
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